I need help removing her.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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