Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
