just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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