The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
