I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
