I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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