im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
