Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
