dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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