i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
