I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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