Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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