I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
