cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
