Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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