I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Boobs speak an international language.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
