I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
