I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
