but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
