cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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