if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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