Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
