How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
