My balls are so social today.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
