the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
