you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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