ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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