I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
