The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
