i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
