the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
