never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
