i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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