My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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