If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
