she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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