Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize