I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
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Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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