you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
