I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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