If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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