saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
