Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
