If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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