You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
