Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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