Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
