Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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