remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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