the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
