Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
