I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
