I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
