I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
