I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
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Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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