true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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