Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
