it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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