Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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