don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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